The Unnamed Jokes List

Jokes Database

In the future I may link this up with Access so you can cruise the Jokes the way you want, but that means actually learning DM2 [a database subject], as well as having a smeg-load of jokes. If both these occur then I may well do that.... Hey, thats an Implies statement!! [AF joke!]

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Joke Database

"A teacher forwarded this list of comments from test papers, essays, etc.,submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. As she noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades."

"The body consists of three parts - the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free
state."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."

"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

"For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

"To prevent contraception, use a condominium."

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

So you're a feminist....Isn't that cute!

I need someone really bad... are you really bad?

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.

Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition

Montana -- At least our cows are sane!

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it!

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better..

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Always remember, you're unique, just like everyone else.

Ted Kennedy has killed more people with his car than I've killed with my gun.

Make love, not war. -Hell, do both: get married!

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.

God is dead. -Nietzsche

Nietzsche is dead. -God

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!

A man and his fiance decide to get married and spend their honeymoon in Jamaica. But before they depart, she asks him to get her name tattooed on his penis.

With much hesitation, the man agrees. They go to a tattoo artist, who carefully prints WENDY in large letters on his erection.

Once in Jamaica, they decide to hit a nude beach. In the mirror at their suite, he realizes that, in its flaccid state, the only letters visible on his unit are the W and the Y.

At the nude beach, he can't help but notice a Jamaican walking around in the buff with a W and Y visible on his limp member. The newlywed stops the native and says, blushing, "Excuse me, but is your wife named Wendy also?"

The Jamaican looks him in the eyes, then looks down at his genitals and responds with a smile, "No, mine says WELCOME TO JAMAICA - HAVE A NICE DAY."

Unadvanced Driver of the Year 1995

The Darwin Award honours the person who did the greatest service to the gene pool by killing themselves in the most stupid manner imaginable.

To give you an idea of the calibre of person who wins the annual Darwin Award, the 1994 winner died when he was crushed by the Coke machine he was tilting towards himself in an attempt to obtain a free drink from it. The 1995 winner was, if we are using the term loosely, a driver.

When the Arizona Highway Patrol spotted a mashed pile of smouldering wreckage embedded in the side of a cliff, the damage was so great that the vehicle was completely unrecognisable. But from the scale of destruction, they thought it had to have been a plane crash. They were wrong: it was a car.

It took a long time to work out how a car had been so thoroughly destroyed, but investigators eventually pieced together the story.

The driver had somehow managed to obtain a Jet-Assisted Take-Off unit, known to the US Air Force as a JATO. JATOs are used to give heavy military transport planes an extra `push' to assist them in taking-off from short runways. They are very simple devices: they're just solid fuel rockets which, once ignited, provide a great deal of thrust for around 30 seconds before burning themselves out. (The solid-fuel boosters used to launch the Space Shuttle are essentially just very large JATO units.)

Having obtained the JATO, the driver drove out into the Arizona Desert, found himself a long straight road and attached it to his Chevy. He then jumped in, got up to speed and pressed the ignition switch.What happened next is a mixture of accident investigation, forensic analysis and speculation. But it went something like this.

The driver ignited the unit approximately 3.9 miles from the crash site. This much is known, as the rocket melted the asphalt on the road. Assuming that the JATO unit functioned according to specifications, it would have reached maximum thrust within approximately five seconds. At this point, the car would have been travelling at a conservative 350 mph. The Chevy would have maintained this speed for a further 20-25 seconds. The G-forces experienced by the driver would have been roughly equivalent to those experienced by fighter-pilots using full after-burners.

The car remained on the road for 2.5 miles. At this point, the driver applied the brakes. Modern car brakes are extremely efficient, but they are not generally designed to slow a vehicle travelling at 350 mph against the continuing thrust of a solid-fuel rocket. The brakes melted and the tyres shredded, leaving investigators a handy marker for the point at which the brakes were applied.

The braking was not entirely without effect, however, for it is at this point police believe the car became airborne. The car climbed gently through the air for a further 1.4 miles. We know this because the impact point was in a cliff face at a height of 125 feet above ground level. The cliff-face was solid rock, but the wreckage still managed to produce a blackened crater three feet deep.

Very little of the wreckage or driver were recognisable, but investigators did manage to isolate a few items. Fragments of bone, teeth and hair were found in the crater, and both fingernail and bone silvers were extracted from a piece of plastic believed to have once been a steering wheel.

Number six is a real classic! As is the 1998 winner.

Most Recent Darwin Award Winners!

#8 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital.
While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of Suffocation en-route to the hospital.

#7 - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E.Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired.

#6 - PHILLIPSBURG, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer, identified only as "Ginger", said, adding "He was really drunk."

#5 - In February, according to police in WINDSOR, ONT., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

#4 - MOSCOW, Russia-A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the Russians getting into the spirit of the DarwinAwards.)

#3 - In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he lunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.

#2 - RENTON, WASHINGTON, USA. A Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below:
1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop.
2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places.
3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door.
4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty.
Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.

AND THE 1998 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS.....

#1 - THOMPSON, MANATOBA, CANADA. Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure.
He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feedhorn. Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manatoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told co-workers that it was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero.
Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens.
For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday long-distance calling traffic. Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odour he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded.

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously totally unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave dddddildosss?'

The clerk, politely but ernestly holding himself replies, "Yes we do....many models in fact."

To this the old women asked, "Ddddddooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa bbblackk ooone tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd abbouttt tttwoo iinnchesss thththiiickkk?"

Clerk: "Yes"

Old Lady: "Ccccccannnnn yyyyouuuu tttellll mmmmmeeee hhhhowwww tttttoooo tttturrrnnnn ttttheeee fffffuucccckkkkkkingggg ttthingggggg offfffff!!!!"

Every year, parks in London alone are doused with one million gallons of dog urine.

The germs present in human faeces can pass through up to ten layers of toilet paper.

The best recorded distance for projectile vomiting is 27 feet.

Contrary to popular belief, if you swallow chewing gum it does not stay in the gut. Usually it will pass through the system and be excreted without incident. However, several cases have been reported where the gum has stuck in the rectum, causing the unfortunate sufferer to excrete long sticky trails of gum, like a pink spider's web.

Some men under 9 stones in weight and 5' 6" in height can experience fatal swelling of the testicles if Gliding in mid-air for over 30 minutes. This condition is known as Monkey Bollocks.

Several well documented instances have been reported of extremely obese people flushing aircraft toilets whilst still sitting on them. The vacuum action of these toilets sucked the rectum inside out.

It is possible to cough your guts up.

If your body's natural defenses failed, the bacteria in your gut would consume you within 48 hours, literally eating you from the inside out.

What is one of the most difficult items for sewage works to handle, as it is insoluble, yet fine enough to pass through most filtration systems? (Every month Thames Water removes over a ton of this substance from its water treatment plants, whereupon it is taken away to a landfill site and buried).....You guessed it - pubic hair.

Parasites count for 0.01% of your body weight.

Henry II was murdered by his homosexual lover, who pushed a red hot poker 0.5 metres up his rectum.

The longest recorded tapeworm found in the human body was 33 metres in length.

A woman who had recently visited South America, where she had safaried in local rainforest, began to experience severe pains in her left ear, accompanied by headaches, dizziness and constant rustling sounds, at first put down to tinnitis. It became so serious that exploratory surgery was required, which revealed a spider which had become trapped in her ear. Eventually it had eaten through her eardrum and was living within the aural cavity. The rustling sounds were from the spider crawling around inside her skull. An egg sack was also removed...

Graham Roberts sat today in his modest Carstairs cell and open his heart on his torried time with Rangers and the insidious campaign by nobody to force him out of the game.

"It broke my wallet (shurely "heart" - Ed) to leave Rangers but I didn't have any choice." He told me as he tried to bite through his restraints. "Graeme Souness dropped several hints that I wasn't wanted. I think the heaviest hint was spraying "You're not Wanted!!" over my house. I had an inkling then that all was not well."

Roberts' departure from Rangers was swift and it is obvious that the experience still hurts. "Yes it does hurt, I mean what else do you expect? Have you seen the size of Souness' boots? My arse still aches, couldn't sit down for a bloody month."

However being booted out the door by Souness (Can you try and not dwell on this eh. - Ed) wasn't the only bad experience during his time with the Bears.

"I remember one day I went for something to eat at a top Glasgow hotel. I had a ham omelete and I nearly died! I found out later that the ham was rotten and that a Celtic supporting chef was responsible for cooking it. I believe this was done on purpose. When I demaned the chef's sacking, I was informed that I shouldn't have been round the back raking through the waste bins! Obviously the police were Tims as well!

"It was a terrible experience. I lingered close to a trifling illness for seconds and Doctors later told me I had a slight temperature! That's how close it was! Luckily I recovered and managed to play in the league game 5 minutes later!"

Roberts is also convinced that referees had it in for him and were determined to drive him out of the game. "It was difficult when a Catholic referee was in charge of a match." He told me with obvious anger. "I mean I had no proof they were Catholic but they gave the game away when they gave fouls to the opposition, didn't award us dubious penalties, and didn't appear in the dressing room for the after-match sing-song! One actually let his allegiances show when he said a very revealing thing to me."You're off" he said. I mean what more proof does anyone need?"

Today Roberts leads a quiet life in the top security, isolation ward but still has his sights aimed high.

"One day I'd like to meet Graeme again. Possibly in the European Cup final when I'm manager of Rangers and he's manager of Benefica. It could happen. The aliens who live below my bed have told me so. wibble..I'm a tea pot..."

Graham Roberts, top DOB, Barking Bear, Barmy Billy, Heidcase Hun - a True Ger that we can all be proud of.

Top Reporter Mason McBoyne

There was a wee mason called Shug
Who thought every Tim was a mug.
He sent off Stephane
For upbrading McCann
Whom he afterwards joined in a hug.

There was a wee numptie, Hugh Dallas,
Who was smacked on the head with some malice.
Decided to whistle
Thinking, "Maybe now this'll
Make all the Huns think that I'm gallus."

The Huns favourite whistler, wee Hugh
Made outrageous decisions which flew
In the face of all reason
Near the end of the season
Till the dirty wee Hun made me spew

The Huns former goalie, Fat Andy
After quaffing a surfiet of shandy
Decided to pose
For a laugh I suppose
With some guys who with handguns were handy.

This is so clean, it's dirty!

This was copied from an actual joke book dated 1900. Set the stage in your
mind for very early 20th century England ...

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a "proxy" father - as was the
custom of the era - to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The 'hired gentleman' should be here soon".

Half an hour later, purely by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to..."....

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,"Mrs.Smith cut in.

"Really ?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bath-tub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs.Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know !!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs.Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep,pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally,when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, aaAAh...equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?.........Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears.

Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh Dad," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grownups don't really fu*k, I've got nothing left to believe in!"

Larry goes into the Travel Agents...

"Hey Larry, going away on holiday again?"

"Yes but I need to ask for something different"

"Go ahead ask me"

"You know last year you suggested Hawaii and when I returned my wife was pregnant"

"Yes, but ..."

"And the year before you suggested Bermuda and when I returned my wife was pregnant"

"Yes, but.."

" And the year before that when I went to Bali and when I returned my wife was pregnant"

" Yes"

"Well! Could you suggest something cheaper this year so that I can take the slut with me?"

A husband, wife and a son walk into an ice-cream shop. The dad says "I'll have a chocolate."

The wife says "I'll have a vanilla."

Then the dad slaps his son in the back of the head and says "What do you want fat head?"

The lady helping them says "Why did you hit him in the back of the head and call him fat head?"

The husband says, "There are three things in life a man wants: The first thing is a nice big car. And you see that nice big car sitting there (outside) that's my nice car!!! The second thing in life a man wants is a nice big house. You've seen that nice big house on top of the hill on the edge of town? That's my big house!!! The third thing in life a man wants is a nice tight p*ssy, and I had that until fat head came along!!!"

"I got married", said the first bloke, "so that I could have sex 3, 4 or 5 times a week."

"That's very ironic", said the second bloke. "That's exactly why I got divorced."

"MICROSOFT SHOULD MAKE CARS, GM SHOULD MAKE SOFTWARE".
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.

9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that "he can play any musical instrument in the world."

Everyone laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimmy Hendrix. The guitar man pays up his $50.

Another guy walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. This guy pays up his $50.

Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I was going to f*ck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off!"

[An oldie as ever!!]

You might be an Engineer...

The Unnamed Jokes List

©1999 Stephen King (Electronics & Software Engineering Student)

All Materials are under their respective authors copyright-type-thing